Pope Bob: A billow of white smoke, and we have a new pope!

This is how the Trump economy works: Let's say you run Freight Technologies, Inc., a cross-border shipping logistics company.

TGIF, a news summary from a very unreliable narrator.

→ After a billow of white smoke and an awkward silence, we finally have a new pope! And he is an American!

The cardinals have chosen Robert Prevost, bishop of Arequipa, Peru, to become pope, taking the name Leo XIV. Prevost was born in Chicago, making him the first American pope in history.

His selection was met with surprise by many, who expected one of the younger cardinals to be elected. It is also unusual for the papacy to pass to a bishop from a nation outside of Europe. However, with the increasing tariffs on European goods, perhaps the cardinals chose an American to avoid any issues with the Trump administration.

Prevost is known to be close to Pope Francis and seems likely to carry forth many of his philosophies and efforts, though it’s too soon to tell.

His Twitter/X feed features church news updates, and also a scattering of political statements over the years in support of anti-racist activism and immigration. Also, this:

I feel like if you’re about to become pope and you have recently negged one particular Catholic, just delete it. Like, if the voice of G-d on Earth posted specifically, “Nellie Bowles is wrong,” I would struggle with that. Many, many people post that. But not specifically the voice of G-d. Or, not yet.

Jokes aside: Congratulations to the world’s 1.4 billion Catholics. TGIF will follow along for any new pope antics, but I promise it’s not blasphemy, it’s just fun.

→ This is how the Trump economy works: Let’s say you run Freight Technologies, Inc., a cross-border shipping logistics company. Heavy new tariffs seem like a risk to your business, right? Maybe not! All it takes is this one weird trick:

Image: A still from the 1987 film "Planes, Trains & Automobiles."

Heavy new tariffs on goods coming into the U.S. are a huge problem for businesses like Freight Technologies, Inc., which provides cross-border shipping logistics in North America. But recently, the company announced that it's diversifying its crypto treasury with the addition of Official Trump tokens.

"We are huge fans of the Trump tokens and believe that they are an excellent way to diversify our crypto treasury, and also an effective way to advocate for fair, balanced, and free trade between Mexico and the U.S.," said the company's chief executive officer.

Those Trump tokens are a scam “currency” that people are buying to try to get the administration to listen to them.

If you want to keep doing business in Indonesia, buy some $TRUMP first, you globalist piggy. Pulled over for speeding? Go to CoinBase.com, get yourself a $TRUMP card, and we’ll see about the points on your license. Skip the IRS bill, and instead pay taxes directly in $TRUMP. It’s that easy!

There was a song popular in my youth called “Gangsta’s Paradise,” and it’s been stuck in my head for weeks. Soon our only currency will be baseball cards with Eric and Don Jr.’s faces on them, and I’ll be the poor sucker with nothing but Tiffany’s.